When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
