he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
