Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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