I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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