i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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