Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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