Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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