i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
