I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
