My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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