ya dads aren't the best wingmen
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
