you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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