That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
