i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
