Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
