I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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