Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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