The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Randomize
