WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
