He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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