Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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