I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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