yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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