At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
