The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
