Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
