Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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