do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
