Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
