Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
