Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
