At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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