well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
