Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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