now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Randomize
