I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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