I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
