I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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