Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
