when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
