tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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