Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
