Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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