i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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