I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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