If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
