you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
