i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
