Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
