Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
